A Post

[tyellas]

raqs posted this essay about financial advice for writers in her journal and it’s so good and shiny I’m stealing it to post here for you.

Speaking of writing, I’m at 22,000 words on my novel – not where I wanted to be by now, but proceeding, and it can still be salvaged by my personal due date.

I spent my weekend doing deeply thrilling things like washing, and otherwise nurturing, the exterior of my house. Living in a wooden house in a temperate rainforest, this is necessary, and it did not stop me from adding to that word count. What does seriously interfere with it is working on freelance tech writing stuff. At the end of my work day at a computer, I have it in me to spend another hour at my computer, working or writing or tinkering with web sites. After that, mental fatigue sets in, and I want to do something that’s not at the computer. This isn’t an excuse: that’s just the way it is.

Disturbing online trend duly noted: just settle for that passable guy, even if you’re having a hard time finding chemistry. The second piece isn't that bad, but whatever happened to "don't lead someone on?" After reading these, I’m feeling pretty good about being single this upcoming V-day. Then again, there have been a few incidents of flirtation recently that show that hope springs eternal.

Here’s something to love: golden kiwifruit season is early this year.

Comments

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

Don't get me started on the panic-mongering directed at unmarried women in their mid-thirties. Honestly, my life is good enough that if a man can't actually make my life better I see no reason to bother with him. Beh. This isn't a response to the articles, btw - I haven't read them because my blood pressure is high enough.

[tyellas.livejournal.com]

Hear, hear. At least as a divorcee, apparently I have a magical ability to "seal the deal" again if I'm so inclined. (http://www.observer.com/2007/how-marry-man-manhattan-my-way)

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Wow. That article on financial advice for writers - I wish I could somehow put copies of it anonymously on several friends' doorsteps.

[tyellas.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know. "Don't Quit Your Day Job" should be inscribed in tall gothic letters over the entryway to every Master's of Creative Writing program, IMHO.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Those articles. To me the "old rule" and "new rule" sets sound more like two approaches that have always coexisted. And by "always" I probably do mean "throughout human history, wherever humans had the chance to court potential partners," but I have officially been aware of the three date rule since, oh, the early nineties. As for the first article, it's probably very good advice for totally desperate women, but yes, as the writer feared, I do find it offensive, and also ridiculous. I mean, of course it would be a lie to say that being single doesn't worry me, but it's nowhere near the top of the heap of my many neurotic worries.

I can't say anything about the writing article, though, because I currently write for about an hour a month, and yes, using my job as an excuse.

[tyellas.livejournal.com]

...it's probably very good advice for totally desperate women...

Do you know, I have only met one of these ostensibly desperate creatures? She wasn't even in my social circle; she was at a beading class I took. And in her approach to sexuality and life, she seemed like she was another gender than I was - another species, even. It was like finally seeing a giraffe in person, or something.

[cirdan-havens.livejournal.com]

Mmmm.... kiwi... (kiwifruit but I'm not NZer so just kiwi)

Writing article, mostly true. I've attended these writer talks, and even the successful ones tend to have a primary job, academia or other. And for a bestseller (Nathaniel Philbrick), his answer was that his wife was a lawyer and he was the househusband, but if you think you can write while the kids are growing up, don't count on it. Oh gee was I jealous. Um, minus the raising kids part. :p

Passable guy, hm, I don't know if it's disturbing as much as practical. We're still living in male-dominated societies and all the laws seem to go that direction. One of my friends mentioned that part-time pharmacy seemed ideal because you could take care of a kid and work. Then I pointed out to him that it only works if you're married and have health insurance. Of course, half these relationships will end in divorce per regular statistics, but that's part of the settle for a passable guy thing in the first place. Some of these people probably aren't leading the other on as much as hoping it might work despite x, y, and z.

Almost all the family members in the previous generation have crap relationships because that was just the nature of relationships of that generation, but I see them now in their older ages working as a partnership and think they're kind of lucky in that respect at least.

We're probably on the higher end of self-sufficient, but some women do need a secondary income or someone as a support system, emotionally in the case of the "Oh, no! I'm 30!!" syndrome. Or maybe at least until the relationship breaks up? Biological clock ticking = cat. Well, that depends on if a woman can truly find satisfaction in a kitten over a baby.

I do think hope should stay eternal. Hell, there are even people who manage to win the lottery, some getting a bigger payoff than others. One never knows. Just depends on if we decide to try.

Rats, I keep trying to shorten this and kill the not-so-nice parts and then it gets longer again. Probably best if I just stop while I'm ahead. :p

[tyellas.livejournal.com]

Don't you know, all us Kiwis are gold, mate? ;-)

Passable guy, hm, I don't know if it's disturbing as much as practical.

Over at Salon, commentary on the first article pointed out that if you're settling for a guy...often HE'S settling for YOU, too, and that this does not lead to lasting and content marital bonds. At least two women recounted divorces from guys who they'd "settled" for who wanted to date younger women.

Well, that depends on if a woman can truly find satisfaction in a kitten over a baby.

Er. I like my cat so much I'm at risk of being a Crazy Cat Lady. To the point that I think she's a better companion for me than a baby.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Oh, same here. And my dog showed me beyond all doubt that I don't have the patience for a baby!

a kitten over a baby

I can has cat macro?

[cirdan-havens.livejournal.com]

Mmm... Kiwis... O:)

As for settling, I suppose part of it is that marriage is no longer binding as a contract so that's why we don't get the lasting bonds. Content? Um, yeah... good luck, settling or no.

Your cat probably is better than a baby. :p

[gilraen-surion.livejournal.com]

That just settle for that passable guy is unnerving.
Want to slap that woman. I think the whole tenure of the piece is wholeheartedly reeking of fear, jealousy and anything-is-better-than-alone attitude. Yuk and scary at the same time.

I know, I know, I comment from the comfort of a good healthy relationship with a really wonderful man. But I also know the pain and loneliness of being in a relationship of that passable guy who turned out to be mr-very-wrong. If the latter is the alternative I think being alone is much better

[tyellas.livejournal.com]

I've said it before: "better alone than badly accompanied."

Perhaps this is why divorced women are more relaxed and, allegedly, don't find it challenging to get remarried - we've been there and done that, and we'd rather not, so we approach potential partners as actual people, instead of as plot points in The House of Mirth or Making of a Marchioness.

[maggiehoneybite.livejournal.com]

Good point on divorced people versus never-married ones. For some reason, tying the knot seems to be a kind of rite of passage for people (women, mostly). I have a friend at work who went into an "OMG, I'm 30!" panic, got pregnant, got married, got divorced, and then settled into a happy life of single parenthood, cat ownership, book reading, novel writing and contentment. And society seems to think differently of never-married and divorced women -- sad but still true. As if the former are expected to be panicky about settling down and the latter have earned the right to live their lives the way they see fit.